On Parenting
Family Life

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Good morning church. We’re concluding our series today on the family. We’ve been going through the book of Ephesians, talking about family life and looking at family lessons. Today, we will be talking about parenting. Today’s message is on parenting.

Here’s some funny quotes from people that you might recognize on parenting:

Funny Parenting Quotes

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.” –@LHLodder

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog, so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood

“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up .” – Ray Romano

Having a sense of humor is pretty important if you’re a parent. But the truth is, parenting is pretty hard. It’s kind of like treading water in the deep end and somebody throwing you an armful of cats. It’s very difficult being a parent.

Parenting is worrisome. In fact, parents are worried today; they’re worried about a lot of things. They’re worried about their children’s health, obesity, drug abuse, bullying, internet safety, teen pregnancy, gender dysphoria, depression, teen suicide and the list goes on. Parents are worried. They’re worried about their children’s education. Should it be public, private or homeschool? What about college? Parents today are worried that their parenting style might be described as worrisome or fear driven rather than faith driven. Parents are scared and maybe it’s because they were raised in a dysfunctional family themselves and they just really don’t know how to parent.

The truth is, there’s a better way. We can live according to God’s word. God’s word has a lot to say about parenting and about how to live as parents.

Some years ago, a sociologist by the name of Reuben Hill did a long-term study on parenting styles and their impact on children. As a result, over the following generation, he began to track how these kids turned out. He gathered the same information and tracked it on a grid that measured discipline and relational affection and discovered four parenting styles:

The Permissive Parent. High in love but low in discipline. The study revealed that permissive parents tend to produce children with low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority. Children feel loved, but never sure of their limits. Their parents are generally fearful, afraid of messing up and damaging their children’s psyche, so they never set firm boundaries.

The Neglectful Parent. This parent doesn’t express much love nor discipline. Their children tend to grow up with no lasting relationship with Mom or Dad. The parents’ neglect may not necessarily be intentional-they may simply be in the midst of their own traumas and chaos, like an addiction or an abusive situation., you don’t have to be stuck there if that’s where you’re at this morning, we have a ministry called celebrate recovery that meets on friday nights and if you’d like to know more about that, Put it on your connection card because we’d love to help you as a, as a parent, but not just as a parent to help help you overcome your addictions to overcome your hurts, habits and hangups, so you can be better in all areas of your life. So the neglectful parent, they don’t mean to be that way, it just happens to them because of trauma in their life.

The Authoritarian Parent. Doesn’t express love and affection, but is very high on discipline. They raise children who are provoked to rebellion. The bar is always high and the “musts” are always abundant. Authoritarian parents squeeze their kids until the kids can’t wait to leave home, and as soon as they do, they often rebel.They can’t wait to get out of the house and they’ll often rebel as soon as they can get out from under their parents rule

The Authoritative Parent. Exhibits the best combination of love and discipline. They show a compassionate yet firm authority. They set clear boundaries, but are very loving. I call them “fellowshipping” parents because everyone knows who the boss is, but there’s a consideration that respects and honors who the child is while not compromising his or her disciplinary needs. The result is a child high in self-esteem and equipped with good coping skills. I’m saving that one for last because that’s really the type of parenting that the apostle Paul teaches in the book of Ephesians.

Let’s go to the book of Ephesians; I don’t know where you landed today, but this is that fourth parenting style: High love and high-end discipline is the one that we’re going to be talking about. In the book of Ephesians, the apostle Paul told the church that they could be the family of God and that they could parent their children in the Lord. I believe, today, that we can do that; we can do that through the power of Jesus Christ in our lives. We can be the parents that God called us to be.

As we look at the text today, I think we’ll see four steps that Paul teaches; four command steps that he gives.

By the way, let me just say this. Maybe, you’re not a parent today or maybe you’re a grandparent and you’ve already raised your children. What I would say to you, is prayerfully consider how this will impact your grandparenting. Pray for your children to know this information from God’s word on how to parent.

I had so many people, after the first service, to say to me, ‘I wish I’d have known what you just taught when my kids were still young.’ Okay, so that was not my purpose to make you feel that way. If you’re listening to this today, don’t be thinking, I wish I’d have known that sooner. You’re hearing it now. The Gospel shouldn’t cause you to leave here “beat up;” It should encourage you to turn that area of your life over to Jesus.

Let’s dig in; let’s read these verses, Ephesians 6:1-4 (ESV) 1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This is God’s word. Amen.

We’re looking for four steps on how to parent our children in the Lord. Here’s the first:

1. Give them the right standard to obey.

Give them the right standard to obey. Look at verse one; circle the word, “obey.” The word “obey” is the first imperative. There’s four imperatives in these four verses. The first one is “obey.”

Notice the word, “right,” in verse one. 1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Here are a few observations: First of all, he’s addressing children. It starts off by saying, “Children obey your parents…” The Greek word here refers to a certain age of child. The Greek word is τέκνα, a dependent child. It’s not an infant; there’s another Greek word for infant because infants aren’t able to obey yet. They’re too young. Basically you feed them, change them and help them sleep. That’s your job when they’re infants, right? You do it 24/7, right? Seven days a week. Once they’re able to communicate and once they’re able to obey, you begin to teach them to obey. I would say that there’s also a time stamp on this because it’s a dependent child. There comes an age where a child is no longer under their parent’s authority and no longer owes them obedience. There’s another word coming; it’s down in verse two. The second imperative here is “honor.” There’s no time stamp on that; we are to honor our mother and father as long as we live and as long as they live.

The word, “obey,” has to do with a dependent child. Now, it’s important to think about this word, “obey.” In the Greek, it’s “hupakouete,” which means to “come under.” So literally, children “come under” the hearing of your parents. Now, this implies an important aspect. You have to give them something to “come under.” You have to give them something to obey. What will you give them? What will you teach them to obey?

You have to have the right standard. Where are you going to find that standard? Are you going to get it from Netflix, Hollywood, from the school system or where or just how you feel on the inside? Will you have the right standard from how your parents brought you up and hope that was a good system? No. I have a better idea.

The bible still teaches that there’s a right and a wrong, regardless of the relativistic culture that we live in today, that it says, ‘well, you do you whatever feels right for you.’ That’s not what the bible says. It says that there is a true right, a true wrong and there’s a true standard. Where do you find it? You find it in God’s word. So, give them the right standard to obey. Help them to obey you in the Lord.The word, “right,” could have been translated, “righteous.” It’s the same root word. Righteous in the Lord.

If you’re a young person here, under my hearing and you’re still under your parent’s roof, you’re still dependent on them. As long as you’re a dependent child, you’re to obey them in the Lord. Well, pastor, you don’t understand my parents, they have unrealistic expectations of me. They’re not a believer. There’s no “asterisk” here with a footnote. There is no exception clause. The Lord has put you under them. Who knows whether your obedience might actually help lead them to the Lord. If you’re a believer today and you’re trying to follow the Lord, your obedience is not to how good your parents are. It’s to the Lord. You obey them because it’s right in the Lord.

Parents, what’s your job? Give them something to obey. And let that something be a righteous standard. Here’s what the instruction is in the book of Deuteronomy concerning this. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV) “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” In other words, make it a way of life. This is not like a formal, let’s all sit down and take notes. It’s like when you get up in the morning and you’re having breakfast, you say something about God’s word. They see you praying and you talk to them about it. You’re driving them to school or you’re on vacation and you’re driving and you’re talking about your faith. You are modeling it and instructing them diligently. You’re giving the standard to obey that’s already in you and is part of your life. It’s just a way of life. This is the way it’s to be taught.

Some people have referred to the book of Colossians as the “reader’s digest” version of the book of Ephesians. It’s an abbreviated book of Ephesians in a way and you’ll see the same commands. Often if you look there, you’ll see an insight that maybe you missed in Ephesians. In chapter three of Colossians, there is the same command; Colossians 3:20 (ESV) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” This kind of clarifies the passage in Ephesians, doesn’t it? To obey your parents, pleases the Lord. What’s the opposite – to disobey your parents, displeases the Lord. Parents, give them something to obey. If you teach them what your rules are, those have a certain level and they might be good rules or they might not be good rules. But, if you teach them what God says in His word, you can be sure that you’re teaching them what is right.

We have many different ways of parenting today. I wanted to refer to a couple of books. Here’s one book for those of you that are still “in the thick” of raising young children. Here’s a book for your parenting library. It’s from Chip Ingram, “Effective Parenting In A Defective World.” That’s what it’s like in this world today. He has two categories here, a parenting myth and a parenting reality.

The Parenting Myth: My children’s primary responsibility is to juggle the schoolwork and extracurricular activities that will make them well-rounded, successful adults. That’s what we think parenting is about, that we want them to be successful.

The Parenting Reality: My children’s primary responsibility is to learn healthy obedience, to learn healthy obedience under me, so that while they’re under me, I’m teaching them to obey what is right and what’s wrong. I’m to teach them that. By the way, if you don’t teach them, their teacher will try to teach them when they’re in school. If the teacher can’t teach them, the principal will try to teach them. If the principal can’t teach them, the police officer will try to teach them. If the police officer can’t teach them. The judge will try. Whose responsibility is it to teach your child to obey? Triends, it’s yours. It’s right and it pleases the Lord and guess what? It’s better. It’s better for your child.

We all try worldly methods of parenting, worldly ways of trying to get them to obey. I hope I don’t step on your toes too harshly, but just check your own style and see if any of these sound familiar:

First is the “bribing method.” “Come to mommy and I’ll give you a sucker.” We bribe them to obey. Second, is the “threatening approach.” “If you don’t pick your toys up, I’m going to throw them all in the garbage.” The child is sitting there thinking, I know you paid $1 million dollars for these legos. There’s no way you’re coming through on that one. Third, is the “emotional appeal.” “After all I do for you and this is how you repay me.” Four, is the “environment.” “If you can reach it, it’s yours.” Have you ever been to a house like that? It is a child-driven house where everything in the house is above their height. The parents have “child proofed” the house. Five, is “reasoning.” Saying to a two year old, ”but sweetie, your hot dog will get cold if you don’t eat it right now.” Six, the “yelling approach.” “How many times do I have to scream at you?” Seven, the “countdown,” like you’re some kind of NASA parent. “I’m gonna count to three and you better get over here. If you make me count to 10…” Eight, the “teapot approach.” “I’ve had all I can take and now you’re gonna get it. If I have to get up from this recliner, you’re gonna get it.” Children have already learned that they have to wait for the sound of the squeaking of the recliner before they obey. These are all worldly methods where we haven’t taught them to obey because you said so. They’re waiting for one of these approaches which are not good approaches.

How did you teach your children a standard to obey, a right standard to obey from God’s word? Will you show them how to obey? That’s the first step that we see; Paul’s first command. Children obey. Here’s the second one:

2. Show them the way of honor.

You see it in verse two – circle the word “honor” in your notes. We are to show our kids how to honor us.

We have two campuses, so I have a study group that meets on Wednesdays. We study together and we preach the same text at both campuses. This week, my son, Jonathan, is on vacation, so Adam Purvis is preaching at our Rocky Mount campus today. Adam is in martial arts; when we got to this point about honor, he said, “That’s like a Samurai point. Show them the way of honor. I like this point.” I agreed; that is what’s missing in our culture today. We live in a rough and rowdy culture today that lacks honor. We’re taught in this scripture to honor our mother and father. That word “honor,” really has two movements. The first movement is to recognize when someone deserves honor. The second movement is to give them what they’re due, to recognize that they’re deserving of honor and then to give them honor, which has the idea of reverence, to place someone in high esteem or to pay them what is due.

Literally, the Greek word here has the idea of “to pay someone.” To pay them what they’re due. I think it has an implication for those of us that are in that middle phase of life where we have children and we have elderly parents. Remember, I said that honor has no “time stamp” on it? You’re to honor your parents always? That word, “honor,” means to pay them what they’re due. In other words, to be ready to support them. Many of us are in the midst of that. Even as I speak to you, are you honoring your mom and your dad? This command is important to us as children. What we’re working out right now, is we’re trying to look at this through the “lens” of parenting.

What does that mean for the parent? I think it has this idea. First of all, you have to teach them honor. One way you might do it, is just in the way they speak to you and speak to their elders.

Some of you are from the north and you might have different styles. I’ve noticed that through the years, people from the north have different styles, but in the south, we still have these “honorifics.” We’ll say, “Yes sir. No sir, Yes ma’am, No ma’am.” Those are called “honorifics;” you do that because someone is older than you. I’ve heard people say to me, “well when you call me that it makes me feel old.? No. It’s supposed to make you feel honored.

When I lived in Virginia, if I was talking to a child, he would say, “Mr. Combs;” he would call me by my last name. Then, I moved to Wilson, North Carolina. I started noticing that there was a little bit more familiarity but the “honorific” was preserved. I would be called, “Mr. Gary.” When I became a pastor, I would be called “Pastor Gary.”

“Yes sir. No sir.” Why would you teach your children this extra language? It means something; it means that you’re teaching them the way of honor. When we visit our partners in Uganda and Pastor George Mbonye introduces me to a congregation, as we travel around to different churches in Uganda, he’ll introduce me as “Pastor Gary.” Then, he brings my wife up and he introduces her as “Mama Robinah.” If you have a title like “pastor,” you get that one. If you had some gray hair , you would be “Papa” and “Mama.” If you’re a little bit younger, but you’re still older than most of the people, you would be “Uncle” and “Aunt.” They put these “honorifics” in there because they’re teaching their children to honor their elders.

To honor is something that has to be taught. We are not born, we don’t come out of the womb obeying and honoring. We came out disobeying and dishonoring because we’re all born with a genetic predisposition to sin.

And so it must be taught. It says in Romans 12:10 (ESV) “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” What does it look like? How does honor look?

We had a family in our church some years ago that had a little girl who had done something wrong. Her mommy said to her, “How do we obey?” Shesays to her mother, “Immediately, sweetly and completely.” I thought at first that it was kind of funny and cute. The more I thought about it, it was really biblical. “Immediately,” because slow obedience is no obedience. Obey immediately. “Sweetly, that’s talking about the way your face looks when you obey. Sweetly, with the right attitude. You’re teaching your child to obey immediately and to do it with a sweet attitude. Then, “completely.” Maybe, they said “I did” or “Uh huh,” which is a “no no” in my family. With my grandkids, if they look at me and say, “uh huh,” I tell them, “What? I’m still waiting for the right response.” “Yes sir, Papa.” Back to the “completely” – If you ask them, “Did you pick up your room?” and they reply, “Yes. Yes sir,” would you just leave it at that? No. You go up and check. You didn’t pick it up so it’s not complete. You didn’t obey because if it’s not complete; it’s not obedience. “Immediately sweetly and completely.” That’s what you’re teaching. That’s what honor looks like; you do it that way so that you respect your parents. Teach them the “honorifics” as I said earlier. It’s the way you treat them when they’re older; you honor them.

Are you teaching your children to honor? Are you, as children, honoring your mom and dad? Here’s the third imperative:

3. Encourage them with sensitivity and consistency.

We’re down into verse four. Now he switches subjects to fathers. He was talking to children and we were looking at it through the lens of the parent in order to apply it to our parenting. Now it’s easier; we don’t have to do that. He is talking to us. You might say, ‘Well, why fathers?’ It’s because of this third step–encourage them with sensitivity and consistency . So you’re looking at the text, 4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

What’s the opposite of provoking? It is encouraging. The word, “provoke,” really has the idea of to anger someone, to exasperate them or to rouse to wrath. This is the sinful kind of anger. To provoke them, means to cause them to be disobedient and dishonoring in your parenting style.

Now, why fathers? Why not parents? Why doesn’t he say, ‘Parents, do not provoke your children to anger?’ Let’s just pause there, because that’s one of those questions, ‘Why?’ Those are the hardest kind to answer in the bible.

Here’s the way I’ll try to answer this question. Perhaps, he said ‘fathers’ because we need the most work here. Possibly, because anger provokes anger. If fathers teach them to obey, using anger as their method, they will provoke anger in response. Fathers will sometimes I’m not saying mothers won’t often do that too, but fathers have more of a predisposition to do it that way. To be sensitive and consistent will encourage them. Maybe, this verse is to the father because Paul recognized that Fathers need to get to work. Fathers, you’re supposed to be the leader of your house, you’re supposed to be the priest of your house. Instead of thinking it’s mom’s job to raise the kids, you need to take a leadership role in parenting. I think that’s the real reason. I think that’s why Paul says, ‘fathers,’ but certainly, he means both father and mother here. He means parents. But I think he’s addressing fathers because he wants you to get serious about raising your children. “Fathers don’t provoke them…” The idea of “to provoke’ can cause your child to be provoked to anger, fault finding if they can’t get it right, no matter what they do and you always tell them they got it wrong.

What’s the earliest word that your child learns? Usually it’s “mama” or “dada;” something simple with a lot of vowels, right? In my house, the second or third word they learned was “no.” They heard that all the time from you; as if it is the only word you like. That’s the whole paragraph of words with your kids. You follow them around the house saying, “No, no, no, no…” After a while, though, you need to switch from that to where you start teaching them some other things other than telling them they’re getting it wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. There’s a season where that’s basically what you do, but if you just keep fault finding, you provoke them. If you don’t spend enough time working on your relationship, you’ll provoke them.

We have a saying in our church, “Build a bridge of trust that will bear the weight of truth.” Make sure they know that they are loved, no matter what you’re working on with them. Labeling, calling your child “lazy” or “loser,” calling them a name can provoke them to anger. Comparing them to their siblings, ‘You should be more like your brother’ or ‘you should be more like your friend’ can provoke a child to anger. Being inconsistent–What version of mommy do I get today? Is it sweet Mommy? Let’s have fun mommy when we can. We can play around and maybe I can say some funny things back to her. Maybe, I’ll get two or three warnings before I get in trouble. Or, is it mean Mommy? All I have to do is look at her funny and I get it. That’s inconsistent. That will provoke your child to anger because they don’t know what the rules are. In fact, that will provoke your dog to anger. If you’re inconsistent about what time you feed the dog or what time you let the dog out, the dog will start chewing up stuff because they want consistency.

Children really want to know that they’re secure and that there are standards. They need to know that these are the boundaries and this is what it looks like to live in this space and be approved by my parents. They really need consistency. Colossians 3:21 (ESV) “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” That’s another way of looking at the word, “provoke,” which is why I chose the word, “encourage,” in the point that we made earlier. Don’t discourage them with your insensitivity and your inconsistency.

Here’s a second book to add to your parenting library. This is a book by Dr. Tedd Tripp, “Shepherding a Child’s Heart.” This is the book that we often give out when we’re doing our parent-child dedication; we will often give this book to new parents. Let me read a quote from this book concerning this idea of how to encourage your child. “Your child’s needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior. His behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of the heart that drive his behavior. This understanding does marvelous things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior. The point of confrontation is what is occurring in the heart. Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ.” What Dr. Tripp is saying is that whenever your child disobeys, when your child dishonors, look at it as an opportunity to take them back to the cross of Jesus, not just to correct the behavior. You’ve barely begun to rightly parent; you’re just correcting behavior.

You need to go the deeper step, toward the heart, and sit down with the child, away from the other children and away from witnesses. Just the two of you, by yourself, ask your child, “Why did you tell that lie?” Your child might say, “I don’t know.” Then you ask, “Let’s think about it this for second. Where were you coming from on this? What was your motivation? What were you thinking?” Your child might say, “I didn’t want to get in trouble.” You’re just helping them to reflect inward. Here’s how the conversation could go: What is a lie, honey? What is that? It’s wrong. Who says it’s wrong? You do. Who else says it’s wrong? God. So if we do something that’s wrong before God, What’s that called in the bible? It’s called sin. Well what do we do with our sins when we sin? What do we do with things like lies? We ask God to forgive us. Yes. Will God forgive you? I think so. He will. He’ll forgive you and so will I. I forgive you. Because what you’re working towards, the last thing that they know isn’t that you yelled at them, corrected them or disciplined them. The last part of that story is they know that you took them to Jesus and they got forgiveness. Now, they’re all squared away. They’re all right with everybody again. That’s what it looks like to encourage rather than provoke your child, with sensitivity and consistency as a Christian parent. To always look for that opportunity to take them to the gospel and let the gospel refresh their souls and remind them that they are right with you and right with God through Jesus. Here’s the fourth step:

4. Train them with appropriate discipline and instruction.

We’re looking at the fourth command word that we see here. We saw, obey. We saw, honor. We saw, do not provoke. Now, in the latter part of verse four we see, “…but bring them up…” Instead of provoking, bring them up. Train them with appropriate discipline and instruction.

Those words, “bring up,” could have been translated, “train up.” In fact , there are other places in the bible where it uses that language the idea to train them, which is not just verbal, but hands on, to maturity.

I like tomatoes. I like fresh tomatoes, especially, because the store-bought ones are bred to have thicker skins to stay nice looking longer but it affects the flavor, in my opinion. Every spring, we get tomato plants and we plant them. I use the tomato cages now; before, I used stakes like my grandfather taught me. Now, I use these cages, but it doesn’t matter what you do, you’re training the tomato vine. As it grows, it will just lay on the ground if you don’t train it. It will just flop over. But, if you train it to grow straight and tall towards the sunlight, it’s a healthier plant and it provides more fruit. So you give it a standard, you give it a stick in the ground or you give it a cage. As it grows, it always wants to flop over, but you pull it back and you tie it off again.

What is the standard for our children? What do you point them toward? You point them toward the SON not the sun. You’re pointing them towards the Son; you’re training them up. Every time they stray, you pull them back and you tie them off again. It’s this idea of bringing them up, training them up in the Lord. but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. “Fathers, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

The word, “discipline,” you might picture it like that because it’s hands on. Now, you are wondering, Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You’re going “sideways” here. The word, “discipline,” is where we get the word “pediatric” or “pedagogy.” It’s that word of correction, of discipline, of hands on. It’s παιδεία in the Greek. It’s this idea of what you do with a child to make sure they grow up straight and tall, following the Lord. It has a physical aspect, which I believe, according to the scripture, is when they’re young, between the ages of two and eight, somewhere in there, based on the child, where you should spank. I usually have someone who meets me in the lobby after the service and tells me, ‘I don’t believe in spanking.’ You can line up and talk to me about that. All I’m going to say is the bible teaches that it’s better to discipline your child and that you have permission to spank them. Dr. Dobson says, “That’s why they have extra padding on their rear ends. God made them that way.” There’s a phase where this discipline doesn’t work anymore, but at that young phase, there should be a consequence when you disobey and so you use discipline. Discipline has the idea of “hands on;” that you’re training them to grow up. I would say a little bit more about that, but we’ve said more about it in other series.

The next word that he gives is “instruction.” That word, “discipline,” has to do with “hands on,” but this “instruction” word, in the Greek, actually has the idea of having to do with the mind. So, you’re giving them the information that goes with the discipline. You’re not just to discipline them.

Now, I said I would never do this. I told my mom, “I will never tell my children what you’ve told me.” Whenever I would ask my mom , “Why do I have to do this? Why can’t I go to this party? Why can’t…” Do you know what she would say to me? ”Because I said so.” I hated that; that’s not a reason. Then, as soon as my kids started asking me questions and I got tired of answering their questions, I’d say, “Because I said so.” I remember, as soon as I said that the first time, I called my mom and said, “I am sorry, mom. I said that I would never say it, but now I know why you did. The truth is, that it is a good reason because God put you in charge of me. Now, He’s put me in charge and that should be enough.” “Because I said so.” I remember how much that irritated me at the time, but to give them instruction as they get older, I think it is better to start telling them why because their “why” questions will help them engage as they get older.

Here’s what it says in Proverbs 22:6 (ESV) “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Train up, bring them up, train them and recognize how we need to use different parenting styles based on where the child is in their maturity level. We often think, Well, I’m just going to use this one style, but that’s not appropriate. It depends on their age. You need to use a different parenting style based on their age. Here’s a chart that we’ve developed through the years that we actually try to use in our children’s ministry, but especially in our parenting teaching.



It comes from just the way that children start off mentally; their thinking is very concrete and they’re thinking very literally. As they get older, they’re able to think more abstractly; they are able to understand why and understand metaphors and concepts, but when they’re young they’re very literal minded. When you first start out with a child between the age of 0-4 or five, teach them the rules. Teach them the standard. Your bible word here is teach them to obey. This is not a season to be raising a lawyer, where you are reasoning with the child; all you’re doing is teaching them how not to obey. Teach them to obey. If you teach a child between ages 0-5 or 6 to obey, then you won’t have to try to teach them at age 11-15 or 16. That style is really hard to use at that age. That’s the age where you teach them to obey without words. You just give them “the look.”

I’ve told this story before, but before I was a pastor in a previous church , my wife and I were in the choir. They didn’t have a children’s ministry, so we had a family that would sit with Stephen. Jonathan and Erin were in the nursery. Stephen was the only one big enough to go into the service. We asked this family if they could watch our son, Stephen, because in that church, the choir stayed in the choir loft for the whole service. My son, Stephen, was sitting next to this family’s son; they would start poking each other and giggling. I gave Stephen “the look.” After the service, this family that was watching Stephen, came up to me and asked me if I was mad at them about something. I told them, “No, I was looking at Stephen; he was acting up.” Two or three rows of people came up to me later, asking, “Are you ticked about something?” I said to them, “No. I was trying to give Stephen “the look.” They said to me, “You need to get more of a laser beam, you were like a spotlight and all of us straightened up.”

When your children get a little older, now you can raise the friendship factor. Then, you’re starting to explain why you’re giving them the rules and and you’re teaching them how to honor you, right, because they’re getting to where they understand concepts better.

I remember when my daughter, Erin, was about this age. We’ve been talking to her about coming to Jesus. She would see us partaking in the Lord’s supper and she’d say, “Daddy, when do I get to eat that stuff?” I’d say, “Well, honey, when you follow Jesus and get baptized. You make a confession of faith.” She was always asking me about it and I would ask her a few questions. I could tell she didn’t understand yet; she didn’t understand what it meant to follow Jesus. We would talk about coming to Jesus and she thought that Jesus would shrink and to get in your heart. Her thinking was concrete and literal. Later, she gets older and she says, “I know what you’re saying now. I’m going to ask Him to come and live in me.” I was also able to help her understand that Jesus could be the center of your will, your mind and your body. He will come and inhabit your life so that you have a new life. She was beginning to get it.

I’m looking at some adults right now, and you are looking at me, like, I never knew that. I was still thinking baby Jesus was in my heart. You know, like a little miniature Jesus. No. In fact, the bible never says to ask Jesus in your heart. It doesn’t say that anywhere. The bible says, “to confess Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead and you’ll be saved.” We minimize this and it confuses our children.

They start understanding around the age of 6 or 7. Then, as they get 11, 12 or 13 years old, it’s less rule giving because they already obey “the look;” they already know the rules. You’re preparing them for that season where they’re starting to “graduate” from your parenting.

When they’re teenagers, if you follow this approach, chances are it’ll be the season where you “take the training wheels off” and you release. The whole calling is this, the bible says that your children are a gift from the Lord, so you receive them as a gift from the Lord. You take them by the hand and you take God’s hand cause you can’t do it by yourself. You cannot follow these instructions in your own power. You need God’s help. You take them by the hand and the whole time you’re thinking this, I’m bringing them up in the Lord, because one day, He’ll have their hand and I’ll be their cheerleader and their friend. If you want to be their friend and have influence in their life, be their daddy. Be their mommy. Stop trying to be their friend when they’re little, be their mommy; be their daddy. Then, someday you can be their friend. If you try to be their friend when they are too young, you won’t even see them by the time they grow up because they won’t respect you. They won’t honor you. But, if you’ll be their mommy and be their daddy, the way God taught, there comes a day when you release them to the Lord. Your job is temporary; it’s a holy stewardship to be a parent. Do the hard work, moms and dads, but recognize you can’t do it without God’s help.

Proverbs 23:13-14 (NLT) “Don’t fail to correct your children. They won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.” In fact, Hebrews says this, Hebrews 12:11 (ESV) “ For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Discipline should not leave physical, emotional or mental scars. It should teach children to honor, respect and obey. It shapes the will, when done God’s way.

Back to Chip Ingram’s book, “Effective Parenting In a Defective World,” another parenting myth is: “Your goal is to make your kids happy.” That’s your goal. I just want my kid to grow up to be happy. We’re raising “happy meal” kids; that’s our goal, but that’s a myth . God has called us to raise kids that are holy and set apart for God. If we raise kids that are holy, they’ll be happy. They’ll be set apart for God. We can raise our child, we can raise our children to follow the Lord. That’s our holy stewardship. Children are a gift from God. Raising them is a divine calling. You can’t do it without Jesus.

Let’s pray. “Lord, thank You for Your word. Thank you for the book of Ephesians that teaches us how to be the family. Lord, I pray for that person right now, that is not part of your family. Is that you? Are you listening right now? You’ve never given your life to Jesus. We close every service with an opportunity for people to confess Christ as their Lord and Savior. Have you ever done that? Have you ever said “yes” to Jesus? I want to pray with you right now, if it’s your heart’s desire. Prayer is just a way of expressing your faith.” ‘Dear Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner, I repent of my sin, which means I turn away from it and I turn to You. I believe You died on the cross for my sins, You were raised from the grave and You live today. I believe that. Come and live in me, forgive me of my sin and make me a child of God. Come and live in me, so that I follow You with every area of my life, looking for You as my Lord and Savior.’ If you’re praying that prayer, believing, He will change your life and give you new life. Others are here today and you have Christ as your Lord and Savior, but right now you’re in the middle of it. You’re a young family, you’ve got babies, toddlers and young kids, maybe teenagers. You’re in the middle of it. Don’t leave here today feeling “beat up.” Instead, leave empowered, saying, ‘I’ve got the best help. I’ve got the Holy Spirit living in me. Holy Spirit, help me to be a better mom or better dad. I’ve got the word of God. Lord, I’ve got the tool. Help me, Lord, to follow this.’ Maybe, you’ve already raised your kids or you’ve got a teenager or a young person that’s being rebellious. I just want to pray for you right now. “Lord, I pray for that teen or that adult child that’s not living for You. I pray for that parent to know how to navigate that season so that they point to You. Somebody might be here, brokenhearted about that. I would just remind you that you can call on the Lord for that young person or for that adult child. There’s somebody else here that’s in the midst of taking care of their parents. Maybe you’ve got some tough decisions in front of you. Lord, we just pray for that right now, that that family, that that son or daughter would be able to honor their parents as unto the Lord and that You would strengthen , strengthen them to know how to do it. We pray all this now in Jesus’ name. Amen.”