Raising Up Children in the Lord
The 3 R's of Parenting

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Good morning church! It is good to see all of you here. Good morning to those that are watching online and a special greeting to those that are watching next door in the Gathering Place venue. We do have two venues at our Wilson campus uh on Sunday mornings at both services. If you’ve never checked out the Gathering Place, it’s just next door. We call it the Gathering Place because it has a different look and feel. We gather and we sing a more low key, folk kind of music, more interactive and engaging. If you’ve never “kicked the tires” on the room next door, we invite you to go.

We’re glad to have you here with us in this venue today, as we continue our sermon series entitled, “The Three Rs of Parenting.” We’re not talking about “reading, writing and arithmetic.” We’re talking about receiving your child as a gift from the Lord, raising up your child in the Lord and then returning them, releasing them back to the Lord, to follow the Lord themselves and to have their own relationship with the Lord.

Today, we’re in part two, talking about raising up children in the Lord. It’s my opinion that one of the things you need when you’re a parent is a good sense of humor, you need to be able to laugh at yourself, because parenting can be messy at times. And so with that in mind, I’ve got five memes for you to consider. (Pastor Gary shows memes on screen.) Having a good sense of humor is helpful for parents, but the truth is, parenting is no laughing matter. It’s profoundly important. It might be one of the most important jobs on planet earth. So, we want to give it our best . Yet, many of us give very little thought to the idea of parenting. All of a sudden, we have a kid and we think, Ok, I’m just going to wing it or I’m just going to do what my parents did to me or I might do the opposite. I’m definitely going to do the opposite of what my parents did to me. So, we don’t know how to parent; we need an “owner’s manual.”

I was thinking about this. You might consider parenting styles in three categories. I’ve used this diagram before to describe how Christians relate to their faith. (Pastor Gary shows a diagram. Refer to this to understand this section.) You’ll see that some Christians fall here; they’re no longer under law, but they are under grace. I guess that means I can do what I want. Some people fall into that ditch.

Some people fall into the ditch of legalism–I’m going to follow all the commandments. They become really legalistic. You’ll see people act like that in their Christianity. They’ll also act like that in their parenting style.

For the person who falls into this ditch (refer to diagram), their parenting style is to have “free range” kids. Whatever they want to do is fine with me. I don’t want to teach them anything. Let them figure it out on their own. That’s kind of an extreme way of looking at it; this is a “happy go lucky, anything goes” parenting style. It lets them do whatever they want to do.

Then, there’s the legalistic parent whose home is kind of like a “prison.” Everything is about rules and regulations. The home environment is very strict and very, very orderly. I’ve found that children, who have grown up in a house like this, sometimes go pretty wild. Then, they become Christ followers and they become parents who don’t want their kids to turn out the way that they did. So then, they weave the car of parenting into the other ditch. We see children who grew up in a legalistic home and their whole life was described more by what they don’t do than what they do. When they have kids of their own, they fall in the other ditch.

There’s a better way. There’s a house that’s marked by the road of love and liberty. There’s a house that has the right balance between affection and discipline. It is marked by this environment so that they breathe the air of affection and love, but with boundaries. This is what we’re talking about today.

Pastor Chuck Swindoll says, “Children who breathe the air of love in a nurturing home are more likely to respond with submissive obedience.” Balancing discipline and affection in child-rearing is critical. We want to strike that balance; it’s the balance that the word of God gives us.

As we look at the text today, we’re going to be looking at Ephesians 6. We’re going to see four imperatives, four commands that Paul gives to the believers in Ephesus, to the town of Ephesus, where there’s a great church. He gives these four imperatives, but may I caution all of us, as we think about this as parents, as moms and dads, uncles, aunts and grandparents that it is not a “recipe.” If I do this, this, this and this, I’ll turn out perfect children, but that’s just not the case. All of us have free will. If we follow these four imperatives, we have to do it in the power of the Lord. You can’t give what you don’t have. You have to receive power from the Lord. Then, you have to recognize that it is messy work. It’s hard work. We need to give ourselves grace because every child has free will.

You can be perfect at following the four imperatives that I’m about to give you, yet, your child still has to choose and still has free will to follow you and to follow God. So, we pray for mercy. Being a mom, a dad, a grandparent, an uncle or an aunt, more than anything, drives us to our knees because we need God’s mercy in order to do it. Let’s look at the text, in Ephesians 6 and then we will look for these four imperatives. Ephesians 6:1-4 (ESV)11 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This is God’s word. Amen.

How to Raise Up Your Child in the Lord:

1. Teach them godly and right obedience.

Look at verse one, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” There’s your imperative Greek word; it’s the word, “obey.” It’s the Greek word. The word is “ὑπακούετε, hupakouete,” which means “to come under hearing.” In Greek, it means “to come under.” We use that in English today. We say, ‘Ok, He gave me a shot with a Hypodermic needle.’ “Hypo” is from which means under and “dermic” is from “dermas” which means skin. So, you get a shot under the skin, right? Obey means to come under hearing. That implies something.

I want you to think about this for a second; this commandment is to children. How many of you started out as children? Everybody here started out as children, right? Nobody here just got “beamed” to earth, you know. We all started out as children; first of all, it’s to us as children. We have many young people here. The word, “children,” here is primarily dependent children.

There are many Greek words for the word, “child.” This particular one speaks to a dependent child. This is one who’s still under your roof; one under the age of 18. There’s kind of a time stamp here, if you would, that obedience is what you owe your parents at this age.

In verse 2, there’s the next word, which is “honor,” which has no time stamp. You owe that to your parents forever. You always owe them honor, but remember the words, “obey” and to “come under.”

I want to think about this, not just as children, but as parents, so that if I look at it through that lens, how can I raise my children? So that I can teach them to obey, since they are to “come under hearing.” My job, as a parent, is to teach them to do that. If they’re to “come under” hearing, I must give them something to hear. I have to give them instruction. I have to tell them right from wrong. I have to be a voice that’s speaking into their life.

May I say to you, it’s important what information you put in. I think, primarily, that you give them the word of God , but that is not all that you give them, but the primary mission is to teach them to obey.

Let’s think about that for a second – to teach them Godly and right obedience. Look at how he says it, 1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” The child’s motivation should be that the parents are stewards under the Lord. When they obey their mom and dad, they are obeying the Lord. That’s an insight, so then, you as a parent, should be teaching it that way.

Let’s say that daddy needs to talk to you. Daddy asks you to sit on the edge of the bed and look at him. He needs to ask you some questions. ‘Why did you hit your brother? Why did you do it?’ You tell him that it was because you were frustrated that he wouldn’t get out of your room. So you and your daddy continue talking it out.

You, as a parent , try to get to their heart. You try to get to the place where they recognize why they chose violence and why it was wrong. “Did you hurt your brother?” “Yeah.” “Is that a good thing?” “No.” You’re teaching them what is right. You’re trying to move past the behavior to the heart issue. As you move to the heart issue, you say, ‘Now, you know, daddy needs to discipline you because what you did was wrong. I’m doing this because I’m under the Lord. Let’s take your heart to the Lord right now and say, ‘Lord, forgive me for hitting my brother.’ We work on that. Then I tell him, ‘We will go out together and you’re going to ask your brother to forgive you. You are to say, “I’m sorry, I hit you. Will, you forgive me? I don’t want to do that again. I’m sorry that I did that.”’ You’re moving them past to stop hitting your brother to “come under hearing” and to come under the Lord. You’re trying to move them towards following the Lord on their own.

May I say this to you – Discipling when a child is young becomes their self discipline as they grow older. Your lack of discipline will cause them to have a lack of self discipline as they get older. You want to train them up, teach them Godly and right obedience.

I like what Paul says. It’s just right for children to obey their parents. This is right. It’s wrong for them not to obey their parents. He appeals to the Lord, but he, also, appeals to our sense of morality that, regardless of what culture you grew up in, it’s just wrong to disobey your parents. It’s right to obey your parents. It’s just right. If you think about it like that , then it’s important. Now, what do we give them? I would say you could give them a lot of things to obey. You could give them a lot; you could teach them a lot of different things.

I was talking to a grandparent before the first service and he said that his four year old grandson has just learned to snap his fingers. I asked, “Did you teach him?” He replied, “Yes. I taught him to snap his fingers.” He can snap his fingers now. His grandfather taught him how to do it. Another granddaughter was taught to whistle; she’s whistling now. No one can whistle as good as the guy on the Andy Griffith show. Have you ever tried to whistle the opening tune? Some of you can hear it in your heads right now, right? That’s some good whistling.

You can teach your children almost anything , but primarily, you want to teach them the word of God because you’re teaching them to obey in the Lord.

Look at what it says in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV) “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” If we look earlier in Deuteronomy 6:4-6, it says, 4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children…” Teach them this.

How do you teach them? Do we all sit down in a formal classroom and get our notebooks out? No. Teach them when you rise up in the morning over the breakfast meal. Teach them as you walk along the way or as you’re driving your car and you’re looking out the window. You’ll have to get those ipads and smartphones out of their hands or it is going to be hard to get them to look out the window; kids don’t even know what’s outside their window when you are going down the road because of this.

When I was growing up, I did stuff like count cows and things like that. How many cows were on my side and how many are on your side. and we used to do this. We used to count VW beetles; now, it’s hard to spot them; it is rare to see them today. Today, everybody’s in the back seat, all of your children or your grandchildren. They’re in the back seat and you can’t even get their attention. (Well, that’s a “sidebar.” I didn’t mean to chase that one. Let me get back to what I was talking about.) You can teach them as you’re driving down the road. You can teach them as you’re rising up and as you’re lying down.

In other words, make your faith part of your life. It’s not just what you do on Sunday. It’s what you do every day and your child will see this. Your child will learn it not by being taught, but by “catching” because “faith is caught, not taught.” They’ll “catch” it from you because it’s real, it’s vibrant, it’s the air you breathe, so you make it part of your life.

Children that obey their parents please the Lord. Colossians 3:20 (ESV) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”

Are you a young person today and still living in your parents’ house? You are still dependent on them. It pleases the Lord for you to obey your parents.

Now, there are a couple of parenting myths that we see in the world today. I’m borrowing this from Pastor Chip Ingram’s book, “Effective Parenting in a Defective World.” If you’re adding books to your parenting library, I encourage you to purchase this one. It’s a good book.

Here’s one of his parenting myths: “My children’s primary responsibility is to juggle the schoolwork and extracurricular activities that will make them well-rounded, successful adults.” That’s the American myth now for child rearing. Parents are trying to make them well rounded so they can play the violin, do gymnastics, be a professional soccer ball player, be a straight A student in school and become a doctor. We’ve got these views of what success is for our children. Here is the parenting reality: “My children’s primary responsibility is to learn healthy obedience.” If we don’t teach them obedience, that all those other things will not be open to them. If we don’t teach them obedience, then the teacher at school will try to teach them obedience. If the teacher can’t teach them obedience, then the principal will try. If the principal can’t teach them, then the police officer will try to teach them obedience. If the police officer can’t teach them, then the judge will try. If the judge can’t succeed, the jail will try. Do you see where I’m going? Somewhere out there they will learn to obey something. Why not teach them obedience?

The primary job is to teach them to obey and to teach them right from wrong. Parents use all kinds of methods. Let me throw some out at you that I might call “worldly methods.” These are the kinds of methods to teach your child obedience that I don’t recommend. Some of us fall into these types of methods:

Bribing “Come to mommy and I’ll give you a sucker.” Threatening “If you don’t pick up your toys, I’m going to throw them in the garbage!” Emotional appeal “After all I do for you, this is how you repay me?” Reasoning “But Sweetie, your hotdog will get cold if you don’t come to eat now.” Yelling “How many times do I have to scream at you?” Countdown “I’m going to count to three, and then you better get over here.” Teapot “I’ve had all I can take… now you’re going to get it.”

Let’s put those aside and learn to teach our children to obey by bringing them under hearing, aiming not just at their outward behavior, but aiming at the heart issues and asking for the Lord’s help to do that .

2. Establish an environment of mutual respect.

We’re looking at verses two and three now. The imperative in the Greek here is the word, “honor.” It’s a Greek comparative. “Honor your father and mother.” Paul is quoting the Ten Commandments here. He’s quoting commandment number five, “Honor your father and mother.” This commandment has no time stamp on. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you’re to honor your mom and dad. You’re to give them honor.

The word, “honor,” could be translated, “respect.” It could be translated as “to revere” or “to value.” Honor has two movements; the first movement is to recognize someone is deserving of honor. That person is deserving. The second movement is to give them honor. The word, “honor,” could also be translated “value,” as in monetary value. We never outgrow this idea that children are taken care of by their parents when they’re young. Then, when parents are old, the grown children now will honor them by not just respecting them, but also taking care of them physically, financially… This word, “honor,” encompasses all of that.

If you go and speak somewhere, they’ll give you an honorarium. In other words, they’ll give you financial gifts. So, this word, “honor,” includes the idea of that kind of respect.

He gives a couple of reasons. One is there’s a promise. He says, in verse 3 “that it may go well with you.” It goes better if you obey your parents. Another reason in verse 3 is “that you may live long in the land.” He was speaking primarily to the Jews who were God’s chosen people and they’ve been given a Promised Land. He was basically saying that disobedient children, being raised up disobedient and dishonoring to their parents, undermines the society so that they could lose their land, as it were. They could lose their nation; they could lose their land.

Think about that. Think about our culture today. Disobedient children, dishonoring children put American society at risk. You don’t have to make such a leap of logic to see this, to see what happens because the basic building block of any society is the family. Any nation will crumble with disobedient, dishonoring children. Living long in the land is the promise if you honor your parents.

He’s quoting the fifth commandment. Deuteronomy 5:16 (ESV) says, “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” If you think about the decalogue , the first five of the Ten Commandments are really more towards God. Sometimes as Christians, we think of that fifth one, “Honor your father and mother,” as belonging to the horizontal relationship, but that’s not the way the Jews saw it. The Jews saw the first five as belonging to the way you relate to God and the last five commandments as horizontal towards God. The Jewish mind saw honoring your parents as connected to the way that you honor God. To honor God includes honoring your parents.

What does this honor look like? We had a young family attending our church some years ago that was literally following one of these parenting books and it was a good thing. They taught their daughter how to obey ; what’s an honoring way to obey. They would ask her, “How do you obey?” She would say to them, “Immediately, sweetly and completely.” That’s pretty good because slow obedience is no obedience; so obey immediately. Sweetly; that’s your attitude. Completely; don’t obey just halfway done. Obey all the way. This is honoring, so teach them to honor another way. You want your child to respect you, if you want them to honor you, you reap what you sow, so if you disrespect and dishonor your child, what do you reap back?

You have to be careful when you correct them. Don’t do it in front of their siblings because the other siblings will be behind thinking, Get him, dad. It will cause the child being disciplined to react in the wrong manner. Take him to a private place to have the conversation and to discipline him. Take them to their bedroom and shut the door. Get “eyeball to eyeball” with them, getting down to their level because you are loud and large and they’re little. They have little voices. Honor them, and then, they’ll learn to honor you. You create an environment in your house.

Moms and dads, if you’re disrespectful to each other, you’re teaching your children disrespect. You’re teaching them dishonor. If grandparents, uncles and aunts are dishonoring to each other, then they’re sowing dishonor in your house. Then, your children reap it. And so you, you, you create an environment of mutual respect and honor in your house. This includes honorifics.

What’s an honorific? Have your children call you dad or mom, daddy or mommy… Don’t have them call you by your first name. Now , they get confused about this when they are really small because they hear mom and dad talking to each other. For example, my wife’s name is Robin. My children have heard me call her Robin. Then, your toddler says, “Robin.” You have to say to that toddler, “No. You can’t call her Robin. You have to call her mommy.” What happens is parents stop calling each other by their first names anymore. We lose our first names when we become parents. We start calling each other mommy and daddy to keep them straight, right? When you become a grandparent, you’ve left your name far behind. I’m “Papaw” now to ten grandkids. When my wife talks to me in front of the grandkids, she calls me “Papaw.” What are we doing? We’re teaching them honorifics; we’re teaching them the titles of honor that belong to those because of their status in the family system. We do it even as they talk to other adults, we teach them to say, “Yes, sir. No, sir.” I hear people sometimes say, “Why do we need that?” It is because our society is crude enough in its language. We need to “back up the bus” and put that back in the family. Put that back in the environment.

One of the things I like about eastern North Carolina is that “Mr.” and “Miss” are added to names as an honorific. Thank you, Mr Gary. How are you, Mr. Gary? Mr. is a title of respect.

When we go to Africa and do mission trips to Uganda, the people there will often refer to me as “Papa.” My wife’s name is Robin, but pastor George Mbonye, the pastor that we partner with there, will call my wife, “Mama Robinah.” His wife’s name is Robinah, so he calls my wife “Robinah, “ but he doesn’t just call her “Robinah.” He calls her “Mama Robinah.” The people still hold on to the honorifics of their culture, which creates an environment. They create respect and honor in their language.

Our language is becoming coarse today and we’re losing the honorifics, but we want to teach children to honor. They must be taught to obey. They must be taught to honor. The best way to do it is by creating an environment of mutual respect.

3. Encourage them with sensitivity and consistency.

We’re on verse four. We’re going to get our last two imperative verbs out of verse four. The, the verb here is “do not provoke.” It’s in the negative. It tells you not to do something; it addresses fathers. I think that fathers include mothers, but it might be surprising that he doesn’t just talk to mothers because society would say that the mom’s job is to raise the kids. That’s not the way the Bible sees it. The Bible says that fathers are to take the lead. They are to take responsibility with the mother. I think it includes both parents.

Paul might also be mentioning fathers, particularly, because fathers have a particular problem. We often provoke our children with our anger, which causes their anger. Remember how I said, “If you sow honor, you reap honor?” Well, if you sow anger, guess what? You reap anger if you discipline your children in anger. Fathers, by and large on average, are larger and louder. We have a deeper voice, right? It’s intimidating to a little kid. We are more powerful, we’re stronger. I can make this child do what I want him to do. You can, but is that the best way to do it? Be careful that you don’t provoke your children to anger. They might not show anger in front of you because they’re afraid of you. At least when they’re small, they wait until you leave the room. If you discipline out of anger, you’re sowing anger. The child will reap your anger; you’ll be provoking them. It has this idea of “to rouse,” “to exasperate,” “to drive them to discouragement or frustration,” so that you’re causing the wrong outcome to happen in their heart. You might change their outward behavior, but their heart is frustrated. Their heart is angry.

What are some things that you can do to provoke a child to anger? Fault finding, just being picky or they can’t do anything right will provoke your childr to anger. Everything is fault, fault, fault, fault, fault. It is found in the legalistic house.

I tell you something else that will provoke them to anger is not spending face to face time to build a relationship of trust. We have a saying at our church, “Build a bridge of trust that will bear the weight of truth.” We use that often. We’re talking about sharing the gospel. We should share the gospel on a relational bridge. We build the bridge of trust that will bear the weight of truth.This is also true in parenting. Make sure that your child, above all, knows that you love him, that your relationship is never at risk. You’re giving them the truth. You’re explaining to them what they’ve done wrong and you’re correcting that, but you love them. Saturate it with love, so that they trust you. It will provoke them to anger if they don’t have that relationship of love and all they have is this person who says “no” all of the time.

Something else that will provoke your child to anger is bad labels. Some of us are still carrying around those labels today as adults– identities from parents who called us names. Can’t you do anything right? You’re so slow. You’re not good at math. Why can’t you be like your brother? These kinds of things drive your child, provoke your child to anger; they demolish their identity.

When my children were small, (I’m going to confess a sin area to you. My children already know about the sin area) my wife and I were overwhelmed for a season. I had a sin area. I tried to clean it up by putting it to song. We’re sitting around the dinner table with three little kids. One is five, one is two and the other is one. Can you picture that with me? One is in a high chair, one is in a booster chair and one is in a regular chair. The oldest one could not stop talking. You’re at the table, trying to get a little peace and quiet and he’s talking. He’s pestering his brother. He can’t stop talking. The middle child cannot stop spilling his drink. Every time he would spill it, he would spill it towards me. I don’t know why he couldn’t spill it towards his mother. Once in a while, he would knock his drink over and it would go into my plate and my whole plate would be filled with whatever kind of drink he was drinking. Then my baby, she’s little and she’s overwhelmed with all this, so she’s whining. So I wrote a song. Do you want to hear it? Do you want me to sing in front of you? I would be sitting at the table and this chaos was just getting worse and worse. I would sing, “Whiner, Slimer and Gatlin Gun Mouth.” All three of my kids can still sing that song.

I was talking to my son, “Slimer,” earlier this week. He’s preaching this same sermon in Rocky Mount right now. Who knows what he’s saying about his father, right? Earlier this week I said to him, “I apologize. I’m sorry that I did that to you.” He says to me, “Dad, I always thought that was hilarious.” I said to him, “Yeah, but I look back on it now and I realized I was exasperating you. I was provoking you. I wasn’t parenting very well.” He says back to me, “Well, I guess you were overwhelmed.” I said, “Yeah, I think that’s what you do when they’re little. You stay overwhelmed and exhausted. Your Children find out that you’re sinners. You’re not perfect and parenting is messy.” That’s why we need Jesus. That’s why we need grace. That’s why we need mercy.

I look at my three children today and thank the Lord for His mercy because I tried my best to mess them up. I tried my best to do it right, but I often messed up and sometimes I even put it to music.

Don’t provoke your children to anger. Colossians 3:21 (NLT) “Fathers, don’t aggravate your children. If you do, they will become discouraged and quit trying.” Don’t aggravate your children; don’t provoke them.

Here’s another book that I would recommend to you is by Dr. Ted Tripp, “Shepherding A Child’s Heart,” “Your child’s behavior reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of the heart that drive his behavior. This understanding does marvelous things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior. The point of confrontation is what is occurring in the heart. Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ.” His big idea is that a child’s outward behavior reflects their inner heart condition. When you parent, aim at the heart and what this requires is God’s help. It requires pulling them away to a quiet place. Their bedroom was where we would go when I was raising my children. We would sit on the corner of the bed.

We rented Forest Hills Middle School for our church services for 15 years. We would set up and tear down every Sunday. My son, Jonathan, whenever he was finished with his duties, would start running the hallways. He had a little “tribe” that ran with him of these little boys that were of similar age. We always had to have a custodian to open and close the building. One of the custodian’s names was Mr. Barnes. Mr. Barnes would come to me at the end of almost every service for several years and say, “Reverend Combs, that boy of yours was running the halls again. Today, he got in the teacher’s lounge and got into their stuff. He was in there eating some of their snacks.” I would thank Mr. Barnes and go find Jonathan. His face would be red from running the halls. I would tell him to get in the van and wait for me. I’d get in the van and it would be time to go home. I’d say to him, “Now, when we get home, I want you to go straight to your room. Do not go anywhere but go straight to your room and sit on the corner of the bed. Wait for me to come up there. You’re not coming straight to lunch, you’re going straight to your room.” I would give him a minute and give myself a minute because I was just tired of this happening every Sunday. It didn’t mean rebellion. It was like he couldn’t stop running in the halls and getting in trouble. Plus, I was embarrassed because the custodian. That boy of yours. I was embarrassed. I’m not saying all of my motivations were pure, but I would say to him, “Go to your room and wait.” My son has told me that, to this day, the waiting in the room was worse than the discipline. He was picturing everything I was going to say to him and everything he was going to say back to me and how he’s gonna get out of it, but knowing there’s no way to get out. One time, I went up to see him. He was probably about 10 or 11 years old and he’s still running the halls on Sundays. I can’t get him to stop. I go to his room and say to him, “What am I going to do with you? I’m at my wits end. I don’t know what else to do with you.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and says to me, “I know dad. It’s hard.” How do you keep it together without laughing when you have a kid like that?

4. Train them with appropriate discipline and instruction.

The fourth imperative is in
If you’ve ever raised tomatoes, if you just put the tomato plant in the ground, it just runs along the ground and is more susceptible to different kinds of diseases and mildew. People that want to raise great tomatoes will put a cage around the plant or put a stake in the ground. My grandfather always drove a wooden stake in the ground and then, as the tomato vine would grow, he would tie it off and he would train the tomato vine to grow up toward the sun. He would have these beautiful big tomatoes. As it would grow, he’d tie it off again. May I suggest to you that I’m not really talking about tomatoes. I’m talking about bringing up children, training up children. If you’ll picture the tomato stake as God’s word, pointing to the heavens straight up. As your children grow, they can only understand a little bit, so you tie off a little bit, but as they get bigger and stronger you continue to tie off. You’re training them up, you’re bringing them up, you’re nourishing them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. You are bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Discipline often has the idea of more of an outward kind of physical correction, which I think includes, when they’re little, to actually pick them up and move them from whatever they’re doing wrong to as is appropriate. Physical discipline, whether it be spanking or whatever, should be appropriate and not damaging. From ages 2 to 8 is a rough idea of when physical discipline is most appropriate. The word, “discipline,” here includes disciplinary correction.

“Chastisement” includes verbal instruction, which needs to go hand in hand. Verbal instruction means to reach the mind. The Greek word here means, “of the mind.” You need to give them discipline that affects the body and the mind. May I say to you, that if you don’t discipline your children between the ages of two and eight, you’re going to have a fit with discipling them when they reach the age of 12 through 18. I see parents get this upside down. They try to be their child’s little buddy. Hey, we’re buds, we’re friends. I know you couldn’t help it. You were just too sleepy. You didn’t mean to slap mommy in the face. You make excuses for them because they’re little and then when they’re between the ages of 12 and 15, they realize, Oh, I’ve created a monster here. Then they try to be a “prison warden.” It doesn’t work that way. It’s so much easier if you’ll correct them between the ages of two and eight. Then, you’ll have a friend between the ages of 12 and 18. You’ll have the potential to begin to “take the training wheels off at that point.

Proverbs 22:6 (ESV) “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Start training when they’re children. That’s what you do.

Proverbs 23:13-14 (NLT) “Don’t fail to correct your children. They won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.” It is better for you to spank them than the judge or the police officer, because you love them and you can do it in an environment that’s appropriate.

Proverbs 19:18 (NLT) “Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.” This is back to what I was talking about– between the ages of 2 and 8, when they’re little, then here’s hope. As they get older , it gets harder and harder to raise them up and discipline them because you’ve already set a “track record” here. “Discipline your children while there’s hope.”

For those of you that might be concerned about spanking and physical discipline, may I describe to you there’s a distinction between physical abuse and appropriate discipline. There’s a big distinctive – physical abuse leaves a mark. It leaves a scar. It harms the child. Appropriate physical discipline, whether it be spanking or removing their body to somewhere and saying, ‘Time out. Sit in this chair,” doesn’t leave a scar. It doesn’t leave a mark, but it leaves an impression so that they connect the behavior with the discipline. It begins to form self discipline, where the child is thinking, I would prefer this than that. They learn; they begin to learn when they’re little. It’s helpful.

Hebrews 12:11 (ESV) “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who havebeen trained by it.” Discipline is supposed to cause discomfort but not permanent harm, so, there’s a distinction between abuse and discipline. There’s a distinction between “crushing the spirit” and “shaping the will.” You don’t want to “crush their spirit,” especially if you have that strong-willed child; you don’t want to “crush their spirit.” You want to shape it. They’re probably going to grow up to be a great leader, so you want to be careful about how you manage your discipline.

There’s a distinction between normal childishness and willful defiance. I used to get this wrong. I’m sorry. This is turning out to be my parental confession. I used to get this wrong when they were little– they would just get on my last nerve. Do you know what I mean? I’d just be so tired. My wife would get tired and it would be a drink that spilled, something would get broken or something else. I would haul off and say, “Why can’t you sit still?” I would start yelling at them and I would see the little face. I would realize that I’m being loud and large again. I would discipline childishness. Do you remember those little hands with the little dimples where there are supposed to be knuckles? Those little fat hands are uncoordinated. They don’t mean to spill. They don’t mean to break things. They’re little; discipline is not so much required there as it is instruction to help them understand. But, if they say “no” to you when you tell them to do something, that cannot be tolerated. Mom and dad that must be addressed because refer to imperative. Number one, you must teach your child to obey. You cannot allow willful defiance because that will raise its bitter head against God at a later time.

Chip Ingram gives a parenting myth versus a biblical reality in his book, “Effective Parenting In A Defective World.” He says that the parenting myth today is: “Your goal is to make your kids happy.” Get them a happy meal. That’s the goal –make them happy. The Bible says that your goal is to train your kids to be holy and to be “set apart” in the Lord.

As I close, I want us to think about the three Rs that we’re covering during this series. Last week, we said you’re to receive your child as a gift from the Lord, that children are a heritage, a gift and a blessing. That’s your attitude. Today, we’ve talked about how our job is to raise them up. You’re taking hold of God’s hand, asking Him to empower you. You’re following His word. You’re recognizing that you’re not perfect. Maybe you’re like me and you’re having to confess your sins. Sometimes you have to go to your child and say, “Daddy is sorry. Mommy is sorry that I raised my voice. I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t mean to do that.” You’re teaching them how to obey and how to get forgiveness. You’re raising them up, so you receive them as a gift from the Lord. You’re raising them up. Next week, we’re going to talk about how you release them to the Lord, so that they look to Him as father and now you have a friend, now you have a partner to fellowship with in life. That’s what we want to see happen as we raise our children up.

Let’s pray. Lord, thank You for Your word today. I pray , first of all, for that person who is here today who has never given their life to You. If you’ve never given your life to Jesus, then you’ll not be able to receive children as He intends. You won’t be empowered to do this very difficult job. Wherever you’re at today, whether you’re a parent or whether you’re a child. As a child, obeying and honoring your parents is impossible without the Lord’s help. I pray for you right now, that you will come to faith in Jesus. Pray with me, “Dear Lord Jesus, I need Your help. I’m a sinner, but I believe You died on the cross for my sin, You were raised from the grave and that You live today. I believe that. I placed my faith in that. Would You come into my life? I receive You now as my Savior and Lord. I commit my life to You. I want to follow You. Thank You for forgiving me of my sin and making me a child of God. If you’re praying that prayer of faith, believing, He will save you; the very thing you’ve asked for, He will do. Others are here today and you’re a believer, you’re a Christ follower, but you’re thinking of your child right now. You’re thinking, Boy, I’m so tired. Lord, will you strengthen me? I’ve got a newborn, Lord. I’ve got a toddler. Would You help me to know when it’s childishness and when it’s rebellion? Give me discernment, Lord. I’ve got a teenager right now that’s worrying me to death. Name them to the Lord. We’re praying now for our children. In Jesus’ name. Amen.