The Lion Cage – Parenting
Family Circus

Transcript

All right. Good morning, church. We're continuing today with our series on the family. We've entitled this “The Family Circus.” And we all hope for the perfect family, don't we?

We dream of having a family that's blessed, but we often end up with more of a crazy, chaotic kind of circus sometimes, don't we? And so that's what this series is about. It's about, instead of aiming at perfection, let's aim at coming under the blessing of the Lord in our families. And so during this five-week series a couple of weeks ago, we just covered God's purpose for the family. We began there.

We talked about the family last week. We talked about marriage. And of course, this morning we'll be talking about parenting. Sometimes you kind of feel like it's a “lion cage” - it seems like one of the most dangerous things you do, and you can't turn your back.

You gotta keep your eyes peeled all the time. Next week, we'll be talking about “the tightrope”- singleness. And so don't “check out” on this series, singles. We have a message just for you. And then finally, we'll be talking about grandparents, “the safety net,” grandparents.

And we've been learning over these past few weeks that rather than aiming for perfection, we should aim for blessing. Aim for God's blessing over the family. And speaking of our children today, look at this family cartoon. This is from “The Family Circus” cartoon series. And maybe this is your life right now.

You're a mom or you're a dad, and this is your life. And all you really do is pick up. You just pick up. And while you're picking up, while you're cleaning up, they're right behind you making the next mess, right? This cartoon needs no caption that just describes the chaos, the circus of your life.

But, you know, having a sense of humor is important. This little cartoon series, we've been using it throughout this sermon series. It is written by Bil Keene and his son, Jeff Keene. And I've always appreciated this little cartoon series. The truth is, parenting is hard. Parenting is like treading water and having somebody throw you a couple cats while you're trying to keep your head above water.

It's a challenging enterprise. And parents today are worried. They're worried about their children's health. They're worried about obesity, drug abuse, bullying, the internet, teen pregnancy, gender dysphoria, depression, teen suicide…the list goes on today.

And so we're worried about their health. We're worried about their education. Should we homeschool? Should we send them to private school? Should we send them to public school?

What about college? How are we going to afford that? Should they go to college? These are kind of questions. The truth is, for parents today, parenting for them is more worry driven.

It's more, I guess you could say, fear driven, that there's a lot of fear among the parents today. But the Lord wants to give us grace. Do you feel overwhelmed and underprepared? Where did you get your plan for parenting? Most of us may have come from a dysfunctional family, and so we're like, Okay, I didn't learn much. I learned what not to do in my family.

Where did you get your approach to parenting? You know, whenever you have that first child, that little baby, the hospital puts the baby in the mama's lap and rolls her out in a wheelchair to the car, and the only thing they really check for as they put him in the car and don't know if this is how it was for you when you had your first child, they check to make sure you have a car seat before they'll give you the infant.

That's the one thing they do for you. They check to make sure it's legal,l that you paid a million dollars for it. And it has that NASA sticker on the side of it, right? Like, these car seats today are amazing. But they don't give you an owner's manual. They just send the baby home with you.

If you buy a car, there's an owner's manual in the glove box. If you buy a lawnmower, they give you an owner's manual. If they give you the baby, there is no owner's manual. But the truth is, God's given us an owner's manual. He's given us his word, he's given us guidance in order to raise our children up in him.

And so that's what we're talking about this morning as we continue in the book of Ephesians. It's really a book written to the church at Ephesus, and it's really a book written to the family of God and how to be the family of God. And he gets really specific here as he gets closer to the end of the book. Now, he's talking about children and parents. And so, as we're looking at this today, the apostle Paul wrote this letter to the Ephesians, and he told them that they were to raise up their children in the Lord, that they were to raise their children up in the Lord.

And I believe today that we can raise up our children in the Lord. As we look at the text, we'll see that there are four imperatives, four steps, for raising up our children in the Lord. How to parent our children in the Lord. Let's read the text, and then we'll dig in.

Ephesians 6:1-4 (ESV) 1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This is God's word.

Amen. So we're looking for these four steps on how to parent children in the Lord. Here's the first step:

1. Give them the right standard to obey.

Look at verse one. If you're taking notes here, circle two words. Circle the word “obey” and circle the word “right.” Do you see those two words?

First of all, notice who's he talking to? He says, “children.” I'm speaking to the kids right now. I'm speaking to children. Now, the truth is, all of us started out as children, didn't we?

We all started out that way. But here, the word in Greek is speaking to dependent-age children. For many of us today, we'd say, that's a child under the age of 18. Another way of saying it is that it's a child that still lives under your roof. It's a child that still lives under your care.

They are still dependent on you. And so to that dependent child, the word of God says, “obey your parents in the Lord.” So let's “unpack” that for a second. It's in the Greek imperative, the word “obey.” It's an interesting word.

I'll give you this Greek word. I don't like to give you too many Greek words because, you know, I don't want to overwhelm you. You probably won't use this word at the workplace this week, but it's the Greek word hupakouete. “Hupa,” we talked about last week

; that prefix means “under.” In English, we say hypo, like hypodermic needle, which means “under the skin.” And so the prefix, “hupa,” means “under” and “akouete” means “to hear.” So, literally, the word obey means to “come under hearing.” To “come under hearing.”

Now, that implies something. This is to children. But they're supposed to be hearing something. What are they supposed to be hearing? Your instruction.

You're supposed to be teaching them to obey. They're supposed to come under hearing, what are you going to teach them? There's so many things you could teach them. But the most important thing of all that you could teach them is to teach them obedience, first of all to you, because notice it says this, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.”

What is that implying or saying? It's saying that you're the one who represents the Lord for your children. So as you receive your children from the Lord, and as you raise them up, you're the man, you're the woman in the middle, you're the daddy and the mommy in the middle. You're raising them up to follow the Lord so that when they're grown, they take a hold of the Lord's hand and they follow him for themselves. But you're the one teaching them obedience.

That's your job. That's job number one. You might think your job is to feed, clothe, house and educate. Yes, those all fall into that. But priority number one is to raise them up to obey the Lord.

And you're his representative. And then he says, “for this is right,” doesn't he? He says, “for this is right.” Dr.” Thayer says, “approved by God.” That's what it means.

It's the idea, you know, of the right thing to do. Interestingly enough, when you read the scriptures and it starts talking about the end times, it will list all these terrible sins. There's all these terrible sins. And then in the midst of the list, it says, “disobedient to parents.” That's a sign of the last times.

“Disobedient kids.” My goodness. Every time I go to Walmart, I think the Lord is coming; there's a whole bunch of disobedient kids I see at Walmart sometimes, yelling at their parents and disobeying. It's a sign of the end times.

The scripture says that we're the ones to raise up our children. We're to teach them to obey. Well, what do we teach them? Remember that word, right?

We need to give them the right standard, the right teaching. Here's what Deuteronomy says. It says, Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV) “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. "You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”

This is Moses. He's restating what he's taught them in the book of Deuteronomy. And chapter six opens up with what the Israelites knew as the “Shema.” The “Shema” is that prayer that they would pray three times a day. They would teach their children the “Shema.”

The word, “Shema,” in Hebrew means “to hear” or “to listen.” And so, they would pray, “Šəmaʿ Yīsrāʾēl YHWH ʾĕlōhēnū YHWH ʾeḥād:” “Israel, the Lord thy God is one God.” They were taught that. And then he would say, ‘Then after you teach the children that, then do this in a natural way.’

‘Do it in a lifestyle kind of way. When you rise up in the morning and you're putting breakfast on the table, teach them the word of God and make it part of the meal. When you walk along the road or driving down the road and you're looking out the window, say, ‘Look what God made. Look at that sun coming up. Look at

the beauty of that sky or that ocean.’ Wherever you're at, just make it part of your life so that being a Christ follower is not just something you do on Sunday morning, but it's something that permeates your life, so that they see the consistency between what you say and what you do. And so, Moses was teaching the Israelites and he's actually talking to fathers in that passage, because fathers often think that raising children is mom's job? But that's not the way the Bible teaches it. You're to take leadership, and you and mom are to be a team raising children.

And I read this article this week. I was thinking about this idea of obedience, and this is an article from Carey Nieuwhof. It's an unusual title. That's what caught my eye. “How to Raise Obedient Kids–– For all the wrong Reasons” That's the title of the article.

And here's his idea. He says, “If you discipline with the motivation of wanting obedience for your child, rather than from your child, you parent with the end in mind. You realize that one day (soon) you’re not going to be there. Your control will be non-existent, and they’ll have to make all the decisions for themselves.”
He says that there's a difference between I want obedience from my child and I want obedience for my child. He contrasts the two of them. He says that if you'll make that shift, that obedience will no longer be something you want from them to get rid of the problem they're causing you.

In other words, they're “getting on my last nerve.” That's why I'm going to teach them obedience. They're “getting on my last nerve.” I'm responding to that, he says, but if you want it for them, you'll do it because of the problem they're causing for themselves, because disobedience is going to hurt them in the long run. He says, ‘obedience will no longer be something you want from them to make a problem go away.’

It will be something you want for them to help them solve a problem for themselves. Obedience will no longer be something you want from them to make you look good in front of others. Oh, you've got the sweetest kids. They're so well behaved. I know.

But, that's not your goal. That's you wanting something from your kids. No, you want obedience for them so that they learn to navigate relationships skillfully and humbly, so when they grow up, they know how to get along with other people at school, at work. They know how to be married because they know how to ask for forgiveness and how to reconcile and how to be at one. You've taught them in the house the gospel.

You've taught them relationships. You've taught them obedience. And so you've done it for them, not just to get something from them to make your life easier. Your job, your priority, is to teach them to obey. And our ultimate motivation should be this; in

Colossians 3:20 (ESV) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” We do it to please the Lord. We do it to please the Lord. Now, here's some worldly methods we fall into.

See if any of these have occurred to you. Some of these worldly methods that I really think we need to put to rest and find better methods. Here are some of them. Here's “the bribing method.” Do you ever use “the bribing method?”

Come to mommy and I'll give you a sucker. That's the bribing method of parenting. Here's another one: “the threatening method” of parenting. If you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to throw them all in the garbage.

Have you ever said that? I guarantee you won't say that about legos. Those things cost a million dollars. But sometimes when you're walking barefoot somewhere and you step on one of those boogers, you're tempted, right? Those Legos, man.

“Emotional appeal.” This is the parenting method called “the emotional appeal.” After all I do for you and this is how you repay me? You guilt them. “The environmental approach” to parenting.

If you can reach it, it's yours. Have you ever been to one of those kinds of houses where everything in the house has been taken off of anything that the toddler can reach? They put it all up high. That's “the environmental method” of parenting. Here's “the reasoning method.”

I'm going to reason with this toddler. I'm going to use the intellectual method. But sweetie, your hot dog will get cold if you don't eat it. Now, trying to reason with the child. “The yelling method.”

How many times do I have to scream at you? “The countdown method.” Don't you make me count to three. “The teapot method.” I've had all I can take and now you're going to get it.

These are all worldly methods. They're not the way the Bible teaches. In fact, that “count to three” idea reminds me of a book written by Ginger Plowman, “Don’t Make Me Count to Three,” that I would recommend. I am popping up a photo of it here. Now, when I'm doing a series like this, I like to give you extra reading, especially if you're in the midst of it.

This particular book is an easy little read. It's especially aimed at moms, but it'd be good for moms and dads. Here's the thing. Children are not born obedient, parents. Did you know that?

They're not born obedient. In fact, they're born with a sin nature inside their little hearts. They want their own way, not your way. That's how they're born. And so your first priority is to teach them to obey

and recognizing that your authority comes from God, that you're his steward, that those kids ultimately were a gift from him and they're to be given back to him as you release them to him. Here's number two. That's the first step. Teach them to give them a standard to obey. Second:

2. Show them the way of honor.

Show them the way of honor. We're at verse two and he's quoting the Ten Commandments now, isn't he? “Honor your father and mother.” That's from Deuteronomy 5:16. Paul's a good preacher.

He's quoting the Bible to us here. He's teaching us from the Ten Commandments. And he says that the first command is, children obey. Here's the other one, honor

your father and mother. Now, I told you that the obey part is to dependent children. So there's kind of a time stamp on obedience. I think you owe your parents obedience. As long as you're under that, you're dependent on them.

But I think after you've grown up and established your own family, you don't really owe your parents obedience anymore. But there is a word here now given from the Ten Commandments, that is forever. It's a lifetime command, and that's honor. You owe your parents honor without a time stamp. You continue to owe them honor.

It's just the way it is from the Ten Commandments here. And that word, “honor,” means “to revere,” “to hold them in high esteem.” It also implies the idea of monetary help. So to honor, like, if you give someone an honorarium, you're giving them money like that. And so you're to look to your parents when you're young, you're to honor them, to revere them, to highly respect and esteem them.

But as you get older and they get older, and you are no longer able to care for yourselves, the Bible teaches that the grown children now, are to honor their parents by caring for them and taking care of them. And so the scripture gives us this instruction. Notice that Paul says in verse 2, (this is the first commandment with a promise.) It's really a two-part promise. Do you see it in verse three?

The first part is that it may go well with you. In other words, honoring your parents leads to a blessing in your life, that you live under God's blessing as you honor your parents. And the second part of the promise is that you'll live long in the land. So it's a blessed life and it's a long life. This is what the word of God promises.

As we think about the way of honor, it is this rule, this law that God's word teaches us. That is, whatsoever you sow, that you shall also reap; this law of reciprocity, that what you sow, you reap. So if you're teaching your children to honor you, what do you need to sow? You need to honor them. If you treat them dishonorably or disrespectfully, you're “sowing” that, so be careful the way you communicate with your children.

In fact, the book of Romans says, Romans 12:10 (ESV) “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” Establish a culture of love and honor in your home so that certain ways of talking to each other in the family are just out of bounds, not allowed. And so you're establishing a culture, and you can make it fun. You can make it. You can make it fun.

That's one of the things that we tried to do. I tried to make it fun. We've got two sons and a daughter. So boy, boy, girl. That's our family system.

And when the boys were young,I wanted them to grow up to be masculine. I did. I wanted them to grow up to be men and not to be confused about it, but to be, to be manly men. So I wanted that for them.

But more than anything, I wanted them to be Christian men. I wanted them to be Jesus followers, and I wanted them to honor me and their mom. And so I would just think of these little things. I don't think I was that small. I think the Holy Spirit was just kind of helping me.

Just silly little things we would do. So one of the things we liked to do is we liked to watch these “Bruce Lee” kind of movies, these kind of karate fighting kind of movies, you know, and then we would get on the floor and make my wife nervous. We would fight each other, play fighting. We would get down and wrestle and my wife would have to leave the room. She would say, “Y'all are being too rough.”

But one of the things that I learned is that it’s part of how you really raise little boys. They're kind of different. I just believe that boys and girls are different. That seems to be the way the Bible teaches it. And so we would “roughhouse.” We would see one of these karate movies or something where the sensei would bow.

I would say, “Thank you, my son,” to little Jonathan. And by the way, my middle son, Jonathan, was born with an
“old man's voice.” From the time of his first words,

he had a little scratchy voice. I would say, “Thank you, my son,” and he would say, “Thank you, my father.”.

We would have these fights, and then at the end, we would bow. That's just silly, isn't it? Except, if you were to drop by my house on Wednesdays when I study with my son Jonathan, who's the pastor of our Rocky Mount campus, he comes in and I'll hear the back door slam where he showed up.

And I'm already sitting at the breakfast nook with my bible open, and I'm studying. I hear him come in, and I say, “Good morning, my son,” and I'll hear him say, “Good morning, my father.”

This is a way of having a culture. It's kind of fun; it's a culture of honor, to teach them to honor you. With my daughter, it was more about mixing love and honor together, is what I remember with her. And I remember that boy, she was a daddy's girl. She used to like to climb in my lap and watch tv or whatever we were doing.

She was a daddy's girl. And then she turned twelve. Somewhere around twelve or thirteen, it's like somebody came in, like an invasion of the body snatchers. Somebody came in and took her and put a little girl that looked like her in her bed.

And because we used to do this thing every night before we would go to bed. She'd be getting ready to go up to her bedroom upstairs, and she'd say, “I love you, Daddy.” And I'd say, “I love you more.” And she'd say, “I love you the most.” And I'd say, “I love you the mostest.” And she was running upstairs to get the last word in.

She'd say, “I love you infinity.” And then I would go upstairs and do Bible stories and tuck her in and these kinds of things. And then somewhere around twelve or thirteen, I look up one evening and I ask, “Where's Erin?” And Robin says, “I think she went to bed.”

I say, “She did not.” Robin says, “I think she did.” I say, “Well, she didn't tell me that she loved me and

I didn't tuck her in.” And so I go upstairs and she's already got the lights cut off, and I flipped the lights on. She goes, “What are you doing?” I say, “You forgot something. You forgot to tell me that you love me.”

See, I was determined to make her say she loved me. You think that's weird? Gary, that's just weird. Why would you do that? Because she was going through a season.

I knew she loved me, but she was going through some kind of crazy hormones and something, whatever little girls go through. And she was feeling different. And what I came to realize as she got older was I was teaching her how to love somebody, even when they're going through a hard time, when they're not particularly lovable. And it made her feel safe. It made her feel more secure because I pursued her.

It hurt my feelings. Looking back on it at the time, it was hard for me to go up the stairs and to pursue her and to do the thing I used to do to her, which was I would make her lay still. When she was little, it was the best thing in the world. I would pull all the covers, the sheet, then the blanket, and then the outer cover over her head.

And then I would pull them back one at a time. And then I would chop them in all around her so she was like a mummy, so she couldn't move. And then I would. Then I would kiss her on each cheek.

And so try to do that to a 13 year old who doesn't want that anymore. But then I found out by the time she was 15 or 16, she still wanted it. She still wanted a daddy like that and a daddy that would pursue her. See, that was hard because she was hurting my feelings. But I'm supposed to be “the grown up,” right?

I'm the grown up. She's the child. Even though she's starting to look more like a woman, she's still a child. That's what I'm talking about. Establish a culture of love and honor in your house.

Did I get it right all the time? No. Sometimes I lost my temper. Sometimes I told her how bad she was hurting my feelings.

But sometimes, with the Lord's help and his grace, I got it sort of right. How does honor look? It obeys immediately, sweetly and completely. It respects parents in thought and deed. It addresses parents with the right name.

Dad, daddy. Mom. Mommy. Not old man, not old woman, not whatever. But it uses honorable names that you've taught them.

It answers politely - “Yes, sir, no, sir, yes, ma'am. No, ma'am.” That's not just “southern manners.” That's honor.

That's using honorifics to show someone respect. In fact, parents teach children to honor their elders so that they speak to them in such a way. Children are not born obedient and children are not born honoring. They're born wanting their own way and only honoring themselves.

It must be taught. More than that, I think it must be caught. You have to have a culture of love and honor in your house so that husbands honor their wives and wives honor their husbands. And so they see mommy and daddy being respectful and honoring. And then honor them in the way that you treat them.

Okay? And so that's where we're at. We've talked about the children part. We've gotten through verses one, two and three, but now we're at verse four, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Let's look at that. Here's the third step:

3. Encourage them with sensitivity and consistency.

This is the one and only negative command in this passage. Children obey, children honor. And then the final one, we'll see fathers, parents bring up… But here, nested in the middle is a warning because fathers, especially, are bad sometimes at using anger as their motivator. And then they end up discouraging their children or exasperating or even causing their children to get angry.

Moms can do this, too, but fathers are especially vulnerable for this, of allowing their anger to be expressed rather than their love. And so let's look at the word, “provoke.” He says, “do not provoke.” So what's the opposite? How can we place that in the positive sense?

What would be the opposite of provoking? Well, the word, “provoke,” means “to rouse to wrath,” “to exasperate to anger,” “to discourage or frustrate.” What's the opposite of that? Encouragement. What's the opposite of provoke?

Encouragement. Fathers, encourage your children. Mothers, encourage your children. Do not provoke them. Do not provoke them to anger, so that you cause them to act out in the way you are sowing anger and reaping anger.

Again, you're the “grown up.” They're the “child.” Act like a grown up. Act like one who's maturing in Jesus, be the grown up. Don't provoke them and cause you to sow anger,reap anger.

You provoke them, and they provoke you back. Now, what provokes a child? Fault finding. Being overly picky. Overuse of the word, “no.”

Right after saying, “mommy” and “daddy,” the third word they learn is “no.” It's probably appropriate, but try to save your “no’s” for important stuff. Try to say, “yes,” once in a while. Get a little variety in what you do as a parent.

Fault finding and overly picky will cause a child to be provoked and not spending enough face to face time with them. And so that the only experience they have with you is you are constantly correcting them. They never have a loving, enjoyable time with you.

Quality time is a myth. We need quality quantity time. You have to spend time with your kids. Here's the saying we have in our church, “Build a bridge of trust that will bear the weight of truth.”

If they trust you, if they know that you love them, they can hear your corrections. They can hear your truth. “Build a bridge of trust that will bear the weight of truth.” Maybe you've heard it said in this cliche, “People don't care what you know until they know that you care.” And so make sure they know you love them, and then they can hear you.

Be careful with name calling and labeling. Some of you to this day, you grew up in a family system where your parents gave you a name that you still hear in your head. You're so lazy, you can't do anything.

Or even worse, they say you're stupid. You're just dumb.

Some of you right now, you're grown up, and I'm triggering you because that's how your mom and dad talked to you. What's one of the first jobs that God gave Adam? He named the animals and the power to name is still upon the father and the mother. The power to name or to name with a name that's harmful.

And so that'll provoke your children. That'll provoke them when name calling. Instead, encourage them with blessed names. I believe in you. You're so smart, you're so beautiful.

You do that so well. So name them with greatness. Name them with blessing. We read in the Old Testament the way a child would come to their parents and ask for their blessing. That seems to be a lost art.

We are given the power to bless and the power to curse with the tongue. Comparing them will provoke them. Say, why can't you be like your brother? Why can't you be like your sister? She's so smart.

She's so well behaved. That's provoking. Don't do it. He says, in Colossians 3:21 (ESV) “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Don't discourage your children. Don't provoke your children. Instead, encourage them with sensitivity. Sensitivity means what? Be sensitive to who they are

because every child's different. If you've had more than one, you realize they don't come out copies. They come out with different personalities, different ways of responding.

Be sensitive and be consistent.

Dr. Ted Tripp’s book, (here's you another book and this is the book we actually give out when we do our parent child dedication. We always give this out as a gift to young parents) “Shepherding a Child's Heart.”

Here's what he says in his book. He says, “Your child’s needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior. His behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of the heart that drive his behavior.

This understanding… makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior… Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ.” And so when we're teaching them to honor, when we're teaching them to obey, when we're encouraging them, not to provoke them, we don't discipline them in front of their siblings or in front of their cousins or in front of their friends. We take them to a private place. We sit down with them eye to eye and knee to knee, and we make sure that we've already dealt with any anger we might have, because sometimes we're angry and we don't want to discipline or correct out of anger.

Right? Pray to the Lord, “Help me.” And then you talk to them and say, “Why did you do that? No. Look at me.

Look at me. Look me in the eyes. I love you. Okay? But why did you do that?

Why did you hit your brother? Or why did you yell and call someone this word or whatever?” And then you begin to talk to them about how every behavior begins as an attitude of the heart, and you begin to help them, because what you want them to learn is your discipline will grow into their self discipline, your external discipline. You can't touch their heart, but you can try to drive the message towards their heart and ask the Holy Spirit to move it 18 inches from their head to their heart. Say, “Holy Spirit, I can't touch their heart.”

That's one of the most humbling things about a parent. It's one of the most scary things about a parent. It's like, Lord, I can't change their heart. Only you can change their heart. But you can pray for them and you can direct them and you can model it, and you can lean in at those times.

And often the time when you're correcting a child can be one of the most spiritually important, profound moments if you'll do it in the power of the Holy Spirit. So be sensitive to your child's personality and be consistent in the way you parent. Here's number four. Here's the final step:

4. Bring them up with discipline and instruction.

Bring them up with discipline and instruction. We're in verse four, last part. “...but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Bring them up. The idea here is to nourish to maturity.

This certainly involves housing and clothing and food. These are basic needs of the physical body. But I think Paul is speaking more spiritually here. Bring them up. Bring them up to maturity.

The idea might be the idea of “to train them up” so that your tools are, as he says here, discipline and instruction. When I read this, I can't help but think about the picture of a tomato vine. My wife and I love tomatoes. We especially love homegrown tomatoes, and we didn't get to do it this year. We had such a busy schedule.

But we usually plant three or four different types of tomatoes and so that we can get them right before, you know, we're having supper and we can put it on our salad or put it on our hamburgers or whatever. So just nothing like a homegrown tomato, just in its freshness and so forth. But one of the things you have to know about tomatoes is you have to stake them or you have to put them in something that holds them up off the ground for them to grow up to maturity and produce fruit. And so my grandfather always used a wooden stake. He would drive it in the ground even when the tomato vine was really small.

It'll stand up on its own, right, at first, but he would start tying it off when it was small. And so he would put a stake that was kind of like straight pointing at the sun, right? And as it would grow, he'd tie it off. He'd let it grow a little bit more and he'd tie it off and just kept on until all of a sudden, here's the tomato vine. It's way up here, right?

And he's getting tomatoes all along the way because he knows how to bring up a tomato plant to maturity. He knew how to train it up in the way it should go. Okay? And you think about it, what's your standard?

It should be God's word. The idea of discipline and instruction. I'm going to discipline them, which means I'm going to tie them off right here to the standard of God's word. I'm going to correct them when they get out of line, and then I'm also going to tell them why I'm doing it. So discipline and instruction go hand in hand.

The word, “discipline,” has the idea that includes physical correction, that sometimes you've got to “tie them off.” In other words, you've got to use physical correction in order to help them go the way they should go. And then the word, “instruction,” is clear. That speaks to the mind that you're telling them why you're doing it. You're not just doing it for whatever reason, you're doing it for a reason.

Here's what it says in the book of Proverbs 22:6 (ESV) “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Train him up and then don't worry about how to discipline. The Bible teaches you about how to discipline. I remember reading some books when I was younger as a parent, written by Dr. Dobson.

Does anybody remember Dr. Dobson back in the day? All the books we used to read, he used to write about parenting. But one of the things he said was, “The reason God gave children a little extra padding on the rear end is so you'd have some place to spank them without hurting them.” And so when I talk about spanking, I'm not talking about abuse. I'm not talking about inappropriate, leaving a mark, but I'm talking about physical correction, which I think is effective from about two, three years old up through eight or nine, somewhere in there.

Physical discipline's pretty effective during that time period. Here's what Proverbs 23:13-14 (NLT)says, “Don't fail to correct your children. They won't die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.”

I know somebody's going to stop me in the lobby on the way out and want to say, I don't believe in spanking, and that's fine. I just read Proverbs 23. You're not arguing with me. You're just arguing with what God's word says. And so there is an appropriate time.

Now, may I say to you, by the time they're, like, eight or nine, it starts losing its ability to help them. You have to use other tools. Spanking shouldn't be the only “tool in your toolbox.” And plus, some kids are just quicker to obey. Some kids, you look at them and snap your finger, they start crying.

They have a different shape. And then some kids, you got to chase them around the house a couple times to run them down like that. Depends on what kid.My middle child was the one you had to chase around the house. Okay.

I think it was the third time this particular year. He's probably likenine, something like that. Third note home from the school. This time he was banned from the bus for two weeks.

I'm like,That's not punishing you, that's punishing me. I have to drive you to school now. And so he's up in my office. It's back in the day when we first planted the church, and my office was an upstairs bedroom. And so he's sitting there, and we have the door shut.

We're sitting face to face, knee to knee, and I'm looking at this letter, and I'm shaking my hand. I'm going, What am I going to do with you? This is the third time this year. You've tried everything, and you'd have to know my son. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “I know, dad. I know.”

It's like he's commiserating with me. “I know it's hard being you, dad, with a son like me. I know.” And so it's hard. It's hard to correct a kid like that when you're about ready to burst out laughing, you know, trying to keep it in.

And so I said, “Okay, I'm gonna give you a choice today. I don't know what to do with you. Either ten licks with the paddle, or I ground you from Nintendo.” He says, “Dad, I really think you ought to give me the ten licks. I really do.

I think that'd be the best thing to do.” I know the season for physical discipline is over, right? Whenever he would rather have that, you know. “No, I'm grounding you from Nintendo.” He starts crying. You know, he wouldn't have cried if I'd have given him a paddling.

Well, here's what I'm saying. Every child's different. Ask the holy spirit to give you direction, but use all the “tools in your toolbox” and use them creatively to try to teach them obedience . And use discipline and instruction to bring them up. Chip Ingram, in his book, “Effective Parenting in a Defective World,” says that the myth for parents today is that your goal should be to make your kids happy, that your goal in life should be, I want my kids to be happy.

I just want them to be happy. But he says that's a myth. He says the real goal for christian parents is that your kids would grow up to be holy. Because if they grow up to be holy, they'll be happy because they'll be living under God's blessing.

And so our goal is not to raise kids that just want “happy meals,” but to raise them up to follow the Lord. Now, I've got a couple of practical suggestions for you, for parents. In the past, I've preached a whole series on parenting. One whole sermon was just on how to discipline. One whole sermon on just how to teach them the gospel so they can come to Jesus.

And what I've been learning is that if it hits just parents, it might miss singles and grandparents and other people. And so rather this time, what I've decided to do is just going to do one parenting sermon in the midst of this family series and then offer a seminar for those of you that want more. And that's called our parenting
“Munch and Learn.” It's on August 24. You can sign up on the church center app.

Okay, and so we want you to take that. So that's our new pattern of how to help parents. If you want the intensive, you need to sign up for that seminar. Now, if you want more help on how to share the gospel with your children, we have that for you, too.

You can take a screenshot of the QR code we have on the screen. I think we put it in the bulletin too, and that takes you to the church website. And we have an actual document in there that teaches how to have a good news conversation with your child. Because a lot of parents know the gospel. They're believers, but they just aren't sure how to have that conversation.

And it's how to have that conversation with your child, because may I say to you, may I remind you that you're raising them up, you're bringing them up in the Lord, and so your job is to receive them as a gift from the Lord. They're not something ruining your life. They're a gift. They're a gift. They're not something that's just taking you away from you, being you.

No, they're going to help you grow to be closer to the Lord, if you'll just follow the Lord. So receive them from the Lord, take hold of them, and begin to raise them up. So receive and raise up. And there's a day that's going to come where it's time to release.

Those are really the three r's of parenting, right? Receive, Raise up and Release. And when you release, here's what you hope, that now they're hand in hand with the father. They're hand in hand with the Lord. Because your job the whole time was a holy stewardship.

It was a temporary calling in a way, where your job was to give them the opportunity to have the relationship with Jesus that you have. That's job number one. And so I pray that that would be the way you view it today. Now, may I say to you, if you're sitting here today and you've already raised your kids and you're listening to this sermon and you're going, I blew it, I blew it. That's not the purpose of the sermon.

Oh, yeah, it's in the word of God. And it's disturbing you right now, but the purpose of the sermon is to bring you to repentance. I want to change the way I'm doing something, but it's too late for me. I already raised my kids and I blew it. Don't land there.

Here's what I would say to you from the Lord. Say, “Lord, I wished I'd have known this back then, but would you show mercy on my kids right now? Would you show mercy on them? I confess it to you right now, Lord, and I pray that you would do what is necessary to bring them to you and give me the opportunity.

Now I'm a grandma. Help me with the next generation. Now I'm a grandfather.” Don't leave here beating yourself up. I wish somebody would have told me. No, that's not the purpose of hearing the word of God like that. It's so that you can come back to the gospel, which is full of grace and forgiveness for you.

Okay, maybe you're sitting here this morning and, and your wife's expecting a baby right now. Or like instant family; I think we have twins coming over here to my right. Is that right?

He says, “Yeah.” And so I hope you took notes. And so maybe you're just getting ready to get started.

You're not like the person who's going, it's too late, but the gospel speaks to you. The gospel speaks to you too, because once you have a baby and you have these directions, you also have real life. And you go, Yeah, but nobody told me about it. It doesn’t say anything about a

3:00 a.m. feeding. Where's the part here, Lord, about the 3:00 a.m. feeding?

And so there's suffering, there's difficulty, there's challenges. And so we need grace, we need forgiveness. We say, Lord, I blew it today. And sometimes you blow it, and you have to ask the Lord to forgive you as a daddy. And then if you're wise, you'll go to your child and say, “Daddy lost his temper, and I shouldn't have talked to you that way.

Now you were acting up, but you didn't deserve that. Would you forgive daddy?” You do that with a child. Sometimes they'll start crying and go, It's okay, daddy. It's okay.

But you know what you're teaching them? You're teaching them the gospel of forgiveness and reconciliation and do over. Yeah. Do you know the gospel? Have you committed to the gospel in your heart?

Have you received Jesus? Because you can't do anything I've taught this morning without following Jesus and asking for his power. Let's pray. Lord, I pray for that person that's here today that's never given their life to you. I pray especially for that person that came in today hurting.

And I pray that right where you're at, you'd make a commitment to following, to say, “Lord, I'm a sinner. I've really messed up in my life in so many places, but I believe in you, Jesus. I believe you died on the cross for my sin, that you were raised from the grave and that you live today. I believe that. Would you come into my life?

I invite you now to be my lord and savior.

I just give my life to you. I pray that you'd adopt me into your family. I want to be a child of God.” If you're praying that prayer of faith, believing, he'll save you and he'll adopt you into his family. Others are here and you're a Christ follower, but you're feeling a little beat up by the message, and that's not the way God wants to work here. He comes to you with correction, but then he immediately swoops in with grace and forgiveness.

And so we get to start over and say, “Okay, Lord, I did mess up here, but help me from this day forward by your power. Right now, Lord, I just pray for parents, christian parents who are doing the best they can. Lord, would you strengthen them, help them to protect their children in this very evil age that we live in, Lord, that they would raise them up to follow the Lord Jesus. We pray it now. In Jesus’ name. Amen.